Brendan.

Hi Brendan,

Today is the first day of November. It's your birthday and it has been raining since yesterday. The Chinese believes that the rain resembles tears and raining is a sign of the departed crying . I hope you are not crying now but we do miss you down here. I'm sure your family and friends are thinking of you at this moment, just like I do.

How's heaven treating you up there? Did you get to meet God and ask the many questions that you have for God? I'm sure you finally have the chance to meet the legendary John Lennon and Jeff Buckley. You're probably jamming and singing with them as we speak. I miss your voice and the way you speak has always been very comforting to me. Unfortunately the last I heard your voice was many years back. I still remember your English accent and sometimes I find it funnily pretentious in a good way.

You probably didn't know this but you were my lingering teenage crush and the first one who hated hickeys! You would send me signals of love and lust. I would just follow you in the dark and submit myself to your world of false pretense. I felt like I was wholesomely one with you and I felt like I was wanted and needed. I needed the thrill of being in love and being a desirable sex object worthy of pleasure. I would drive half an island just to see you even if I knew that you were going to manipulate me. During that period of false pretense, I surrender myself to you for you to take over my mind and body.

The truth is, I didn't really get my closure and I think I just forced myself to get over you and forgave you for what you did. And then I forced myself to move on as well. Until this day, now that you're gone, I really question myself and your actions. But I guess I won't be able to have any answers because you are gone now. Forever.

But that's okay, I will remember you during your glorious days of being an indie and emo person. That tall handsome guy with charms to thrill and dress to kill. Smart, witty and  I'll miss you Brendan. I hope you do too. I'll light up a candle and sing Farewell and Goodnight by The Smashing Pumpkins to you. Hugs and kisses! <3

Yours truly,
Beatnik

[daily disco dose]
The Smashing Pumpkins - Farewell and Goodnight