Thoughts In A Bottle.

I think battling depression is a lifelong combat for me.

Suicide Prelude.

I didn’t care if I look like a mad woman throwing tantrums with my trembling hands. I just wanted to feel free. I just wanted her annoying voice to stop. I took a quick look at myself in the mirror and my face was pale, staring red eyes with tears flowing, I’m starting to sweat, there’s something in my nose and I didn’t care.

Did u want me to go mad?

I just wanted to die. If I’m not wanted anywhere or by anybody, I just want to die. I laid face down on my bed and scream and scream and screamed till I ran out of breath. I wanted to die.

Now staring at the computer screen now, I know my mouth is open grasping for air. I know my eyes are staring at the screen and I kept constantly trying to calm myself down and try not to hit the keyboard too hard.

After the mad and crazy tantrum, I looked around me and I saw my broken laundry stand, my bedsheet was torn, clothes are everywhere, the mattress is slanted, the air con controller is broken, music is blasting to keep me away from her annoying voice. My nose is bleeding. My fav sunglass is broken and there's a small piece of glass planted on my right foot. My nose is bleeding and I don’t care. My hair is a mess and I don’t care. The music is blasting and I didn’t care. I’m crying my heart out and I don’t care. My tears are flowing and I don’t care to wipe them off. I’m sweating and the fan is on full blast and I don’t care.

Go ahead and say that I will not have anybody wanting me. It’s worse enough that once I have this argument with you I will not have anybody to confide in. Thanks for letting me know that I’m worthless, unwanted and no one will ever want me. I ripped my entire wall of photos off, almost ripped my curtains off and I have a throbbing headache that won’t go away.

I just wanted to die. I just wanted to move out. I just wanted to die if I’m not worthy. I just wanted to die really badly. At one point, looking at the broken pieces of glass, I wanted to pick it up and slash my wrist. As I grab everything and anything to throw as a form of release, I just somehow threw myself against the wall and I want to knock my head against the wall. I just wanted to hurt myself and I just felt like I wanted to die. I didn’t care if I was hurting my body or my heart at all.

I just wanted to evaporate from this face of the earth. I just wanted to die. I know I sound like and acts like a mad woman and I don’t care, I just wanted to die. I didn’t care if the piece of glass is sticking on to my right foot. I didn’t care. I just wanted to die.

I just wanted silence. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted to feel happy. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted her to walk away.. I just wanted peace of mind.

If the others are better, then go. I don’t need you to stomp all over me and tell me that I’m no better. I dreamt of this happening just two days ago and its happening now and in my dream I knew I had a difficult time but feeling it now only makes me experience it for real and I feel that this is truly a mental and physical torture. Tears don’t stop rolling and my throat hurts from the shouting and screaming. My nose kept blocking and my eyes are bloodshot red.

I may have snapped one of my veins and go mad. If I go mad and insanity keep me quiet, would you want that?

[daily disco dose]

Adele - Tired

[edited]

After a day of recuperation, I can feel that my whole body is aching and I have to be careful in inhaling air into my lungs. My body is aching, especially my shoulders and my back. I have swollen eyes that I need an eyelid tape to define my double eyelids. The headache is starting to subside. I’m nursing the wound on my right foot as it was starting to swell up a bit. Got a few bruises on my legs and my right elbow feels funny. All these physical and mental pain is nothing but funny, I can safely say that I hate this mental lapse. Please do not let me go through this again. I’m not sure my heart can take it. And I may need anger management or a therapist. I’m really scared that I’ll become insane.

I am drinking more water to replenish myself, resting a lot and try not to think about anything too much. I think I beat myself up really bad this time and I should take it easy. I'd like to keep my sanity.

  

Heart of Steel.

I think I have a heart of steel. I'm strong and tough and I do not let others hurt me physically or emotionally. Or even before they try to hurt me. Or perhaps even before they even think about hurting me. I'm just like that. I always look out for myself. Amidst all these comforting to my friend who had just recently wounded from her relationship of erm, two years (?), I made it really difficult to love me for who I am. Only today that I realized that.

I always made it my way or the highway. I'm stubborn as a cow and reluctant as a camel. No one can determine when I want to move or whether I want to move at all.

I realized that my best friend who is currently in a relationship is more patient, more lovable and easy to love compared to me. She had hopes and dreams. The advices that she gave was positive and always has a back lane for you to run to, just in case. But as for me, the advices that I gave was negative and discouraging my troubled friend to have any kind of expectations. I would totally shut down and disconnect.

It was like that for me and Andrew. I didn't tell him that I loved him. I made a fuss out of it and I know the "problem" that we were having. I made it to be such a big deal and I was impatient in explaining it to him and I hastily told him off out of my quick temper. Bloody damn chemical reaction I tell you. I totally shut the door closed behind and never at any time let myself dwell into sadness. I always thought that I was right. I always thought that the others had to be patient with me. I refused to put any much thoughts into being vulnerable and I definitely did not put myself into his shoe to even try to think of what he had to go through and what he thought at that time. Come to think of it, I was very selfish.

I think I always thought that one try is good enough. May it be to let them know that you care or that you have feelings for them but like all humans do, if rejection occurs, I would bask in shame and humiliation and slammed the door shut and try not to look back and regret. I don't know. Maybe to make myself feel better. I suppose "Once bitten, twice shy" applies here.

I mean, why having a relationship and expressing how one's feel is so hard? And how much is the chance of it being reciprocated? So what if you put yourself out there, does that mean that there is someone who will put a net and catch it with all their might? Does it mean that you won't get hurt after that? And that you will live happily ever after?

However, I know that this is killing me but it is also preventing to feel good about myself, about people and about life itself. It's preventing me to love myself patiently and for others to love me. I think I need to let loose and just let things sway my way, take me away and ride away to happily ever afters?

Will I be blessed enough to have my second chance? I don't want to wind up like Cruella.

[daily disco dose]
Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone With You

想去看海.

Those mandarin words mean I wanna go to the beach. I don't know why but lately I have been having cravings for food and going to the beach. Looking through my photos archive made me realize that I haven't been to the beach in a LONG time. However, with our obnoxious weather recently, it is best to stay away from the beach actually. A mini twister/typhoon was spotted at Gurney Drive and thank god no one was hurt as it happened in the middle of the ocean. So to go or not to go?

I think I'll just stick with ogling at pictures of the beautiful beaches around the world on my trusty laptop. =)

[daily disco dose]
Armin Van Buuren ft. Sophie Ellis Bextor - Not Giving Up On Love

Mary J. Blige - Each Tear ft. Jay Sean

Well, I forgot to mention that R&B makes your soul stronger at times and this song definitely did. The lyric is right on the dot and the melody goes perfectly with it. It made me feel better, hope it does to you too. Roger and out (of misery)!

My Renegade.

I don't want to be dubbed as the infilial daughter so don't make me and just give me credits for all that I've done. I'm not the type of person that can just go away without any credits. How can a movie ends without rolling the credits?

I feel suffocated. On a bad day, I could be suffering from quarter life crisis but I'm not a 5 year old that needs constant instructions and let you step all over  me whenever you want to. I have my own opinions, my own set of behaviours and my own voice to be heard. But you do not take me seriously. What have I not done to deserve trust? And please, put the nagging aside and give it a rest.

I'm not like other kids. My father died when I was young and I saw people that are closest to us back-stabbed, cut, chopped, sliced and betrayed us and as a defense mechanism, I am always on the lookout for myself. Having said that, I'm still young and I'm entitled for some venerability because I want to experience things, to be adventurous, get to know people and surely I will always have to look out for myself. I can't be a "coward" at all times! If it's calculated risks and I can have an emergency exit for myself, I would take the risks!

... And with all that I've put my thoughts into and the sacrifices that I've made, this is not what I've asked for. For no reason at all, I'm being put in a spot and let my heart being choked, suffocated, sliced and let it bleed itself dry. Does your parents still pat you on the back and tells you that you've done a good job? Or you just keep your mouth shut and silently agree that I did.

At times like these, I wish I can just fly away or move out and get my own place. "Don't be sorry when I'm not around!" I just wanted to do good and be good. So let me. Why are you pushing me to be like my other siblings. To be what I've seen and concluded that I don't want to be like them. Why are you pushing me to be just like them? If you think that they are better than I am, then I'll just let you be with them and be at peace with myself. I'm dazed and confused. I'd rather be living under my own roof, making my own rules.

I'm still wondering why I am living this life. Is this what I want in life or is this how you want me to live my life? What I'm feeling now is just like when I was 16 years old. I do not like this feeling and why do I feel this way again? Is this a case of dejavu? If I am such a sore to be around with, then I back off. I will go away.

You did not answer my prayers.

I wish you were here, daddy. I wish you were here.

[daily disco dose]
Christopher Cross - Sailing

Happy.

Since it is raining cats and dogs here and it seems like there is a fat chance of seeing the sunshine for today, I thought what better way to remind myself to be happy and contented. Not because of myself but because of the existence of others. In this case, furry animals! I'm not sure if it's just me or they just have the super power to make people love them. Below furry animals reminds me of how much I'm in love with them! and they just have the ability to make you smile and feel comforted in the tiniest way.

I'll say let it rain cats and dogs! Haha. I suppose they say it that way is because "rain" itself is sad but "cats and dogs" is to remind you how lovable they are!

 Manja cat. Xiao lu.

Man's best friends - Tu tut, Man, Jack and Jojo.

方大同 - 愛愛愛 MV

I can't stop looping this. It's crazy! Nobody can go wrong with pop!

Critic Me This!

Hi Brendan,

It's me again. I'm sorry I just had to write you this letter. I can't get you off my head ever since I wrote you that letter. During my last scrummage through my old junk, I somehow found two emails you wrote to me which I had printed out. It was dated as way back as 2003 - when I first met you.

The above title was how I got to know you. I remember I was feeling out of place and desolated just like how I'm feeling now and that two emails cheered me up. I may have forgotten to mention but they did. But right now I don't have the opportunity to receive emails from you to comfort me. Those emails were really powerful and it really showed that you cared for me. I was kicking myself silly for giving up my old email account and I lost all the emails that you had wrote to me when you were alive.

I think I may have to check into the clinic for mild depression and my god the weather predicts so well that it is raining now. Somehow iTunes was playing this song from Rachael Yamagata. A perfect song to describe how I feel towards you. You've been on my mind for days now and I kept thinking about our past, the possibilities and questions that needed answers.

Frankly, I was trying really hard to remember you. I'm really afraid that I might forget you. I'm really scared.

I hopped on over to your blog to browse around but it was scary. The front page was slapped with pictures of you needing a surgery and your bad conditions. That made my heart sank and I was overcame with emotions. I'm angry at myself for not sending you any emails to reconcile. I wanted to at one point but I was scared shitless. I'm such a coward.

What I said in that email was true and it applies now as well. I needed to talk to someone. I needed to chin up and stop being so confused. I needed someone to come along my way and guide me. I'm so helpless and I need to feel happy again. I really don't want to drink myself silly and drown myself in tears and sorrows.

Brendan, how's heaven like? Do they have a phone or an internet connection that you can use? I need to talk to you, if not I'm coming over now.

Yours truly,
Beatnik

[daily disco dose]
Rachael Yamagata - Meet Me By The Water

Would you please meet me by the water, baby
We'll have a really good time
Would you please meet me by the water, baby
'Cause I can't get you off of my mind

I've been thinking everyday about you
Don't fit anywhere into my life, but that's okay
'Cause I think I might be right for you
And because of that, I'm not scared at all
And everyone says I'm crazy
And everyone says I'm a fool
Would you meet me by the water tonight
'Cause I'm ready to break all the rules

Please don't leave me standing
With my heart in my hand
I can't last here
I'm breaking down,
And no on understands why I got here
But I knew from the very first moment
That I met you
You'd be the one

Would you meet me by the water tonight
Would you please fall asleep
Holding my hand
'Cause I've got everything in store for you, baby
If you'll be my man 

Random Books.

Look what I've found! 

These are just some of the many books I found during my rampage at my old house. After going through my piles and stacks of books, files, papers and what seems like an endless years of mess, only I've realized that I have a lot of the following...

• story books
• cook books
• magazines (loads of them!)
• stationaries 
• coloured papers
• stickers
• wrapping papers
• empty greetings/festive cards
• greetings/festive cards given by friends

I think I am a bookworm or perhaps a lil nerd at heart. I like to do arts and craft as well. I remember that I used to send cards or decorate cards and send them out to my friends when I have the time to. I know I'm not gifted at drawings but I'm good with my words and writings. So I would write and write to decorate whatever I have my hands on. I used to cut out newspapers or magazine pages and keep them in a folder or compile and glued them on a sketchbook. I used to cut and paste to form a collage of words and pictures to be the cover page for my diary. 

My god, I used to be artsy fartsy man! 

[daily disco dose]

John Mayer - Who Says

Brendan.

Hi Brendan,

Today is the first day of November. It's your birthday and it has been raining since yesterday. The Chinese believes that the rain resembles tears and raining is a sign of the departed crying . I hope you are not crying now but we do miss you down here. I'm sure your family and friends are thinking of you at this moment, just like I do.

How's heaven treating you up there? Did you get to meet God and ask the many questions that you have for God? I'm sure you finally have the chance to meet the legendary John Lennon and Jeff Buckley. You're probably jamming and singing with them as we speak. I miss your voice and the way you speak has always been very comforting to me. Unfortunately the last I heard your voice was many years back. I still remember your English accent and sometimes I find it funnily pretentious in a good way.

You probably didn't know this but you were my lingering teenage crush and the first one who hated hickeys! You would send me signals of love and lust. I would just follow you in the dark and submit myself to your world of false pretense. I felt like I was wholesomely one with you and I felt like I was wanted and needed. I needed the thrill of being in love and being a desirable sex object worthy of pleasure. I would drive half an island just to see you even if I knew that you were going to manipulate me. During that period of false pretense, I surrender myself to you for you to take over my mind and body.

The truth is, I didn't really get my closure and I think I just forced myself to get over you and forgave you for what you did. And then I forced myself to move on as well. Until this day, now that you're gone, I really question myself and your actions. But I guess I won't be able to have any answers because you are gone now. Forever.

But that's okay, I will remember you during your glorious days of being an indie and emo person. That tall handsome guy with charms to thrill and dress to kill. Smart, witty and  I'll miss you Brendan. I hope you do too. I'll light up a candle and sing Farewell and Goodnight by The Smashing Pumpkins to you. Hugs and kisses! <3

Yours truly,
Beatnik

[daily disco dose]
The Smashing Pumpkins - Farewell and Goodnight