Heart of Steel.

I think I have a heart of steel. I'm strong and tough and I do not let others hurt me physically or emotionally. Or even before they try to hurt me. Or perhaps even before they even think about hurting me. I'm just like that. I always look out for myself. Amidst all these comforting to my friend who had just recently wounded from her relationship of erm, two years (?), I made it really difficult to love me for who I am. Only today that I realized that.

I always made it my way or the highway. I'm stubborn as a cow and reluctant as a camel. No one can determine when I want to move or whether I want to move at all.

I realized that my best friend who is currently in a relationship is more patient, more lovable and easy to love compared to me. She had hopes and dreams. The advices that she gave was positive and always has a back lane for you to run to, just in case. But as for me, the advices that I gave was negative and discouraging my troubled friend to have any kind of expectations. I would totally shut down and disconnect.

It was like that for me and Andrew. I didn't tell him that I loved him. I made a fuss out of it and I know the "problem" that we were having. I made it to be such a big deal and I was impatient in explaining it to him and I hastily told him off out of my quick temper. Bloody damn chemical reaction I tell you. I totally shut the door closed behind and never at any time let myself dwell into sadness. I always thought that I was right. I always thought that the others had to be patient with me. I refused to put any much thoughts into being vulnerable and I definitely did not put myself into his shoe to even try to think of what he had to go through and what he thought at that time. Come to think of it, I was very selfish.

I think I always thought that one try is good enough. May it be to let them know that you care or that you have feelings for them but like all humans do, if rejection occurs, I would bask in shame and humiliation and slammed the door shut and try not to look back and regret. I don't know. Maybe to make myself feel better. I suppose "Once bitten, twice shy" applies here.

I mean, why having a relationship and expressing how one's feel is so hard? And how much is the chance of it being reciprocated? So what if you put yourself out there, does that mean that there is someone who will put a net and catch it with all their might? Does it mean that you won't get hurt after that? And that you will live happily ever after?

However, I know that this is killing me but it is also preventing to feel good about myself, about people and about life itself. It's preventing me to love myself patiently and for others to love me. I think I need to let loose and just let things sway my way, take me away and ride away to happily ever afters?

Will I be blessed enough to have my second chance? I don't want to wind up like Cruella.

[daily disco dose]
Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone With You