Suicide Prelude.

I didn’t care if I look like a mad woman throwing tantrums with my trembling hands. I just wanted to feel free. I just wanted her annoying voice to stop. I took a quick look at myself in the mirror and my face was pale, staring red eyes with tears flowing, I’m starting to sweat, there’s something in my nose and I didn’t care.

Did u want me to go mad?

I just wanted to die. If I’m not wanted anywhere or by anybody, I just want to die. I laid face down on my bed and scream and scream and screamed till I ran out of breath. I wanted to die.

Now staring at the computer screen now, I know my mouth is open grasping for air. I know my eyes are staring at the screen and I kept constantly trying to calm myself down and try not to hit the keyboard too hard.

After the mad and crazy tantrum, I looked around me and I saw my broken laundry stand, my bedsheet was torn, clothes are everywhere, the mattress is slanted, the air con controller is broken, music is blasting to keep me away from her annoying voice. My nose is bleeding. My fav sunglass is broken and there's a small piece of glass planted on my right foot. My nose is bleeding and I don’t care. My hair is a mess and I don’t care. The music is blasting and I didn’t care. I’m crying my heart out and I don’t care. My tears are flowing and I don’t care to wipe them off. I’m sweating and the fan is on full blast and I don’t care.

Go ahead and say that I will not have anybody wanting me. It’s worse enough that once I have this argument with you I will not have anybody to confide in. Thanks for letting me know that I’m worthless, unwanted and no one will ever want me. I ripped my entire wall of photos off, almost ripped my curtains off and I have a throbbing headache that won’t go away.

I just wanted to die. I just wanted to move out. I just wanted to die if I’m not worthy. I just wanted to die really badly. At one point, looking at the broken pieces of glass, I wanted to pick it up and slash my wrist. As I grab everything and anything to throw as a form of release, I just somehow threw myself against the wall and I want to knock my head against the wall. I just wanted to hurt myself and I just felt like I wanted to die. I didn’t care if I was hurting my body or my heart at all.

I just wanted to evaporate from this face of the earth. I just wanted to die. I know I sound like and acts like a mad woman and I don’t care, I just wanted to die. I didn’t care if the piece of glass is sticking on to my right foot. I didn’t care. I just wanted to die.

I just wanted silence. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted to feel happy. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted her to walk away.. I just wanted peace of mind.

If the others are better, then go. I don’t need you to stomp all over me and tell me that I’m no better. I dreamt of this happening just two days ago and its happening now and in my dream I knew I had a difficult time but feeling it now only makes me experience it for real and I feel that this is truly a mental and physical torture. Tears don’t stop rolling and my throat hurts from the shouting and screaming. My nose kept blocking and my eyes are bloodshot red.

I may have snapped one of my veins and go mad. If I go mad and insanity keep me quiet, would you want that?

[daily disco dose]

Adele - Tired

[edited]

After a day of recuperation, I can feel that my whole body is aching and I have to be careful in inhaling air into my lungs. My body is aching, especially my shoulders and my back. I have swollen eyes that I need an eyelid tape to define my double eyelids. The headache is starting to subside. I’m nursing the wound on my right foot as it was starting to swell up a bit. Got a few bruises on my legs and my right elbow feels funny. All these physical and mental pain is nothing but funny, I can safely say that I hate this mental lapse. Please do not let me go through this again. I’m not sure my heart can take it. And I may need anger management or a therapist. I’m really scared that I’ll become insane.

I am drinking more water to replenish myself, resting a lot and try not to think about anything too much. I think I beat myself up really bad this time and I should take it easy. I'd like to keep my sanity.