My Renegade.

I don't want to be dubbed as the infilial daughter so don't make me and just give me credits for all that I've done. I'm not the type of person that can just go away without any credits. How can a movie ends without rolling the credits?

I feel suffocated. On a bad day, I could be suffering from quarter life crisis but I'm not a 5 year old that needs constant instructions and let you step all over  me whenever you want to. I have my own opinions, my own set of behaviours and my own voice to be heard. But you do not take me seriously. What have I not done to deserve trust? And please, put the nagging aside and give it a rest.

I'm not like other kids. My father died when I was young and I saw people that are closest to us back-stabbed, cut, chopped, sliced and betrayed us and as a defense mechanism, I am always on the lookout for myself. Having said that, I'm still young and I'm entitled for some venerability because I want to experience things, to be adventurous, get to know people and surely I will always have to look out for myself. I can't be a "coward" at all times! If it's calculated risks and I can have an emergency exit for myself, I would take the risks!

... And with all that I've put my thoughts into and the sacrifices that I've made, this is not what I've asked for. For no reason at all, I'm being put in a spot and let my heart being choked, suffocated, sliced and let it bleed itself dry. Does your parents still pat you on the back and tells you that you've done a good job? Or you just keep your mouth shut and silently agree that I did.

At times like these, I wish I can just fly away or move out and get my own place. "Don't be sorry when I'm not around!" I just wanted to do good and be good. So let me. Why are you pushing me to be like my other siblings. To be what I've seen and concluded that I don't want to be like them. Why are you pushing me to be just like them? If you think that they are better than I am, then I'll just let you be with them and be at peace with myself. I'm dazed and confused. I'd rather be living under my own roof, making my own rules.

I'm still wondering why I am living this life. Is this what I want in life or is this how you want me to live my life? What I'm feeling now is just like when I was 16 years old. I do not like this feeling and why do I feel this way again? Is this a case of dejavu? If I am such a sore to be around with, then I back off. I will go away.

You did not answer my prayers.

I wish you were here, daddy. I wish you were here.

[daily disco dose]
Christopher Cross - Sailing