Pauper.

Assessing my own situation right now, it made me realize what a sore loser I am. I don't literally mean that I am an all round loser but I'm just disappointed at myself for making poor judgments when it comes to career and money matters. I should have been wiser and knew what was coming. 

I am now a qiong kuang dan. I am jobless and I guess now you know why I am so keen on blogging again with all the time that I have in my hands. I am in a total state of wretched misfortune. So what's new?

Back then, my old blog was all about acceptance. Acceptance by your parents, acceptance by your peers and acceptance to your desired university/college. Late night chit chat, hanging out at the mall, watching movies and partying with your friends. Then, there came the rebellion days. Disdain towards certain people. Rebelliousness towards your parents who are always in control of your life, rebel to let your voice to be heard, peer pressure that makes you rebel from the norm or rebel from the weird to be normal. Either way. 

Now, as I grow older and with a few years of working experience under my belt, I set out to the world of uncertainties. After years of experience in the banking line, I thought I wanted to do something different. Don't think an employer would want to hire someone at the age of 30 who is still trying new industry right? It's now or never, I keep telling myself. Therefore, I threw myself out there, into the wild and roamed the wilderness. 

I finally got myself a job. A new industry, open minded boss(es) and quite a good job prospect. I didn't really have to sell myself to get the job during the interview and after just 2 days I had to report to work. At first, it all seemed well, until the contract issue came up. I read the contract and was reluctant as hell to sign it. This sparked discussions between my boss and I. But on my part, I reflected on myself, my career, the job itself and my future. One thing led to another and my employment with the said company had to end overnight due to my unconfirmed employment status. The next day I'm jobless.

I'm not sure whether I did the right thing or not but I know I wanted the whole prospect and the whole package to work for me. I wanted a good job, a good pay, a good boss and a good career path. I wanted the uncertainties to work for me so bad that I felt like I was at the bottom of the pile and dark clouds gathered above my head and rained.

I guess I am back to ground zero. Just like a few years back before I got my first job. I hate myself for not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, not knowing what to choose for a career and for not being able to judge something without failing terribly. Luck is definitely not on my side.

Confidence. Where are you when I needed you most?

[daily disco dose]

Oasis - Stand By Me