When The Shit Hits The Fan.

I get so caught up with work and making sure things go smoothly for my patients.. But when time passed and the commotion has subsided.. my heart felt a pinch of bitterness. My eyes are welled up and my throat couldn't mutter any words.. Deep down inside I know I feel lonely. I crave for attention. I crave for partnership.

But how do I keep myself from being negative?

I'd really like to believe that my chance will come.. That one day I will be happy again. I wish to be happy and whole again. I really do.

Dear god, please grant me that opportunity soon. I'd like to see a glimmer of hope flash before my eyes. I need to know and be sure that my life do not go wasted slaving away for nothing.

I need to know.. I need to feel again.

[daily disco dose]
Sheryl Crow - Always On Your Side

Love and Anger.

I'm angry.
Angry because you won't let me speak my mind.
Angry because you won't listen to me.
Angry because I am deeply wounded.
Angry because I am hurting.. for years now.

It seems like things are falling apart and nobody cares. Really.. nobody cares at all. Can't you see that things are haywired? Don't you want to change it to the better?

I have all this pend up hurt inside that turns into anger. I just want to make things better for everybody. I'm the youngest but I am carrying the most weight. What happened to the elders?

It hurts. It hurts so much that sometimes I just want to give up.. pack up and go. But then my conscious mind tells me that it's not my values. Struggle beckons. I am trapped within myself.. with my own thoughts I fight my own enemy.

My newly recharged self is wounded and has been scratched silly. I wanna stay positive and happy for myself. I need to be to keep myself sane. It's ridiculous to know that just 2 days before this that I spoke to the therapist and now I am back to square one.

Love left me.

[daily disco dose]
Beyoncé - I Was Here

Curly.

I would like to pay tribute my cute, funny and furry friend - Curly who tragically died one year ago. I would like to dedicate this entry to her because she has been nothing but a joy to have as a pet. I do miss you very much.

She would wait for me to come back and greet me by wagging her tail and jumping with joy. She was a furball of happiness and she never ceases to brightens up my day. I remember that she would bark at the "sampah" truck every morning like it is her enemy. And because she wasn't very tall, she would climb on to the fence and stand on her two feet to see the passers by or even the cars. Curious to know what is happening outside.

Sadly, being curious and wanting to greet her owner were the reasons why she passed away..

She likes to play with water, dry leaves, flies, basketball and her own furry and curly tail. I remember that I like to play chase with her. I would chase her and she would run.. LOL. Sometimes in circles and she likes it. She would go near to the drain to see the water flow down and would be terrified if I poked her from behind. She likes to play with a basketball and she would make funny noises because she thought that the ball was playing tricks on her. I would ask her to sit next to me while I pat her on the head or even a nice body/tummy rub. I would even talk to her during my days of depression and sadness. She may not know it but it soothes me sometimes.

You were an obedient and amazing dog. You will be dearly missed. Be happy and well in heaven dear friend. I will always be thinking of you.

Job!

I see the light now! 

Moving towards the light and hopefully I'm moving towards the right direction.
Wish me luck.

It is quite surprising that I went for an interview earlier and they've just called me back and guess what?

I've got the job! On the same day! =D

I can't describe how elated and some sort relieved I am feeling.

Heh, this may sound unorthodox but I can't wait to get back to work!

This calls for a celebration!

[daily disco dose]
Natasha Beddingfield - Pocketful Of Sunshine

Best Friends.

When two of us are together, laughters are bound to embrace our conversations.

Today I wanna dedicate this post to my female best friend. 

I hope today is not the last time of our happy times together.

Although I do have to be prepared to take a step back and watch her embark on a brand new journey with a man of her dreams.. without me.

But I hope that she is happy. That's the most important thing.

It wouldn't hurt if she could still spend time and hang out with me. That would be a bonus for sure.

However, my role is now to take a back seat and enjoy the ride. Show my care for her whenever I am needed in the front seat.

The other one who is in the front seat better treat her good and it wouldn't hurt if I am included in the process of navigation and joy rides once in a while.

But oh well, I am happy for her.

Roses are blooming, wedding bells ringing and the time is near.

[daily disco dose]
Bruno Mars - Count On Me

Growing Up.

Sometimes I think that growing up sucks.

You sort of loose yourself here and there as you grow..

and one day you look back and wonder what happened to you.

Where did the burning passion that you used to have go?

[daily disco dose]

Friendly Fires - Running Away

Weddings.

Seems like today is a good day for weddings.

Attended my cousin's 20th wedding anniversary today.

Attended another friend's wedding in spirit.

When can I hear my own wedding bells?

Rain.

Cooling wind sweep over my face and I am feeling contented.

I love the smell of rain. 

For once, I don't mind the gloomy weather for a change.

Thank God for the rain!

[daily disco dose]

Russian Red - The Sun The Trees

Photolog : Komtar

I wish I was as tall as you...

I wish I could be up there seeing the entire world through your eyes.

Photolog : Connection

Looking for that link, that connection, that something...

Are we really connected with each other?
Do we light up and shine when we are connected?

Photolog : Pray

In times of answer and a peace of mind, pray..

Dear God, please let me have the courage and strength to stay positive. 

I need to carry on..

Photolog : Garden Room

Where is my very own Garden Room when you need one?

A space for much needed peace and quiet. 

Surrounded by greenery and fragrant flowers. 

My very own space...

Photolog : Lighthouse

Shed some lights over troubled waters...

Photolog : Birthday

I've been waiting to feel loved and special... 

Even more so during my birthday.

But years I've been giving myself false expectation. :(

Work Values.

I realized that these are my core work values after talking to the Founder and CEO.

• Equality.
• Respect.
• Connection.
• Appreciation. 

What happened recently or what didn't happened recently has made me feeling kind of down and out. What I need now..

• Courage. 
• Strength. 
• Determination. 
• Hope and lots of luck.

[daily disco dose]
Lupe Fiasco - The Show Goes On

Resolutions.

Okay, so this is it. My attempt at making somewhat of a resolution to start the new year with. I'm not a big fan of resolutions to start with simply because I think they just get your hopes and expectations to nowhere and fall flat on your face if they are not achieved.

Besides, I think the life experiences that I went through the last few years made me a (little) pessimist to even hope and dream of something that we may not achieved at the end of the year. I have turned out to be the type of person who just takes in whatever comes my way and if it is something that is unexpected then I know I would truly be happy deep down inside. But if I had a set of expectations and they are not being met, I know for sure that I would be fairly disappointed.

Some people would that I am not much of a dreamer and have no imagination. Some people might say that success comes from dreaming and dreaming it big. But I don't know.. as you aged you tend to think too much or dream too much of something and not to mention that you want it so badly that you can come off as "desperate" and who would want that right?

Besides, as you grow older you know that time no longer is by your side and it is always ticking, no matter what. It will not slow down because you fell sick or not mentally prepared for it. By the time you realize that the people around you are already getting married and some already have their own offspring.. it is a little unnerving. You no longer have time to play trial and error. You no longer have the courage or the vibrant energy in you to thrive on. Perhaps it was because of past experiences or the peer pressure that made you feel shy and uncomfortable to even begin with.

Anyhoo, just to keep the tradition going.... Below are my resolutions or my hopes rather.

• To get a job that I am happy working for. Which means great job prospects, good pay, nice boss(PLEASE! it's about time) and colleagues, hopefully no crazy working hours like my previous one.
• Save! Save! Save! so that I can do the below...
• Buy a voice recorder, Canon SLR and an iPod.
• Revisit Singapore to relive and replay my love for Singapore.
• To travel to Bangkok and shop like a mad woman.
• To embrace more music both locally and internationally. Attend big ass concerts and experience LIVE performance from international bands/DJs.
• To travel to Melbourne and to embrace their culture and pace of life.
• To buy a Balenciaga motorcycle bag. Maybe not this year but next year perhaps?
• To embrace our local culture and immerse myself in art scene and our heritage sites.
• To love more. Please God, bless me with a wonderful man in my life as I have tons of love to share.
• To be more patient and forgive those that stood in my way. To be more care-free. 
• To believe that I am worthy of something good, to believe in the good of people and their kindness.
• To write more.
• And cook more. 

So there you have it. My current hopes in point form. We'll see how this works out in another 359 days yeah?

[daily disco dose]
Lykke Li - Tonight (live)

2010 In Retrospect.

My uber cute niece.

There are 365 days in a year and without a doubt, good and bad things are bound to happen. I can safely say that both the good and the bad contributed to my mixed feelings about the year 2010. Call me a pessimist but I think more negative things happened to me more than pleasant one but I won't say that I was unhappy all year round.

 So let's start with my bullet train of thoughts...

Freedom never tastes so sweet when I quit my grueling-in-the-middle-of-nowhere job. My ex boss accused me of many things that I didn't do. One of which she said I influenced my colleagues to resign as well. Whole lot of bullocks I'd say. Like I always say.. thanks for giving me hell so that I know how heaven is. Biatch! *shows off international sign*

Heaven was great while it lasted but then I got too cozy. When you have a lil bit too much of something you tend to get bored and things start to turn stale. All hell break loose, arguments, disagreements and discomfort. Had the worst arguments ever. I almost wanted to kill myself and fell really sick right after.

I have to deal with death when my precious darling dog Curly was hit by a car and died. My best furry cheery friend of two years gone just the night before her 2nd birthday. I'm not sure whether I can rear another dog again. She bit me while I was trying to carry her to the side of the road (naturally) and I had to take a day of medical leave to rest at home, but all I did was cry the whole day. The scars are still there but much better now. I still miss her and hope that she is in a far better place in heaven now, aimlessly running, wagging her tail, barking at by passers, panting and grasping for air and happily playing ball.

 Only right to post up a nice pic of her.

My injured swollen right hand, developed kiloids but am well on my way to recovery.

Career wise, I didn't move anywhere but I got some bad and weird experiences in dealing with jobs, bosses and interviews. So I am definitely sure that I gained experience and is sure not to have the same kind of experience again. Although I must say that I am wiser now (I think) and it changed my career goals and I know how and when to spot a job that is not align with them.

On the flip side, I exercised more this year and I hope I will keep up the momentum in the year 2011. My brother got married and my house was filled with joyous people on such auspicious occasion. Then my niece came along.. Yes, there she is on top of the post right there. Ain't she adorable?

I got back to writing a blog and writing for our local music blog zine in the name of music. Just like what I've always wanted to do. I started tweeting, which is fun and partied harder than 2009 as I drank more pints of Guinness stout and beer compared to the year before. I got more involved and listened to more of trance music and loving every moment of it. Funny how I started listening to 90's alternative rock and now listening to Armin Van Buuren. While we're still on the subject, I attended Ronski Speed live in Penang which is one of my most memorable music experience EVER in a looooong time.

Ronski Speed on the decks. Sonic orgasm.

Can't say that I'll miss you but I am definitely looking forward to what 2011 have in store for me. I shall now leave you with this song that will propel and adjust my mindset to a better and a wonderful year ahead of me!

[daily disco dose]
Snow Patrol - Give Me Strength

Suicide Prelude.

I didn’t care if I look like a mad woman throwing tantrums with my trembling hands. I just wanted to feel free. I just wanted her annoying voice to stop. I took a quick look at myself in the mirror and my face was pale, staring red eyes with tears flowing, I’m starting to sweat, there’s something in my nose and I didn’t care.

Did u want me to go mad?

I just wanted to die. If I’m not wanted anywhere or by anybody, I just want to die. I laid face down on my bed and scream and scream and screamed till I ran out of breath. I wanted to die.

Now staring at the computer screen now, I know my mouth is open grasping for air. I know my eyes are staring at the screen and I kept constantly trying to calm myself down and try not to hit the keyboard too hard.

After the mad and crazy tantrum, I looked around me and I saw my broken laundry stand, my bedsheet was torn, clothes are everywhere, the mattress is slanted, the air con controller is broken, music is blasting to keep me away from her annoying voice. My nose is bleeding. My fav sunglass is broken and there's a small piece of glass planted on my right foot. My nose is bleeding and I don’t care. My hair is a mess and I don’t care. The music is blasting and I didn’t care. I’m crying my heart out and I don’t care. My tears are flowing and I don’t care to wipe them off. I’m sweating and the fan is on full blast and I don’t care.

Go ahead and say that I will not have anybody wanting me. It’s worse enough that once I have this argument with you I will not have anybody to confide in. Thanks for letting me know that I’m worthless, unwanted and no one will ever want me. I ripped my entire wall of photos off, almost ripped my curtains off and I have a throbbing headache that won’t go away.

I just wanted to die. I just wanted to move out. I just wanted to die if I’m not worthy. I just wanted to die really badly. At one point, looking at the broken pieces of glass, I wanted to pick it up and slash my wrist. As I grab everything and anything to throw as a form of release, I just somehow threw myself against the wall and I want to knock my head against the wall. I just wanted to hurt myself and I just felt like I wanted to die. I didn’t care if I was hurting my body or my heart at all.

I just wanted to evaporate from this face of the earth. I just wanted to die. I know I sound like and acts like a mad woman and I don’t care, I just wanted to die. I didn’t care if the piece of glass is sticking on to my right foot. I didn’t care. I just wanted to die.

I just wanted silence. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted to feel happy. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted her to walk away.. I just wanted peace of mind.

If the others are better, then go. I don’t need you to stomp all over me and tell me that I’m no better. I dreamt of this happening just two days ago and its happening now and in my dream I knew I had a difficult time but feeling it now only makes me experience it for real and I feel that this is truly a mental and physical torture. Tears don’t stop rolling and my throat hurts from the shouting and screaming. My nose kept blocking and my eyes are bloodshot red.

I may have snapped one of my veins and go mad. If I go mad and insanity keep me quiet, would you want that?

[daily disco dose]

Adele - Tired

[edited]

After a day of recuperation, I can feel that my whole body is aching and I have to be careful in inhaling air into my lungs. My body is aching, especially my shoulders and my back. I have swollen eyes that I need an eyelid tape to define my double eyelids. The headache is starting to subside. I’m nursing the wound on my right foot as it was starting to swell up a bit. Got a few bruises on my legs and my right elbow feels funny. All these physical and mental pain is nothing but funny, I can safely say that I hate this mental lapse. Please do not let me go through this again. I’m not sure my heart can take it. And I may need anger management or a therapist. I’m really scared that I’ll become insane.

I am drinking more water to replenish myself, resting a lot and try not to think about anything too much. I think I beat myself up really bad this time and I should take it easy. I'd like to keep my sanity.

  

Heart of Steel.

I think I have a heart of steel. I'm strong and tough and I do not let others hurt me physically or emotionally. Or even before they try to hurt me. Or perhaps even before they even think about hurting me. I'm just like that. I always look out for myself. Amidst all these comforting to my friend who had just recently wounded from her relationship of erm, two years (?), I made it really difficult to love me for who I am. Only today that I realized that.

I always made it my way or the highway. I'm stubborn as a cow and reluctant as a camel. No one can determine when I want to move or whether I want to move at all.

I realized that my best friend who is currently in a relationship is more patient, more lovable and easy to love compared to me. She had hopes and dreams. The advices that she gave was positive and always has a back lane for you to run to, just in case. But as for me, the advices that I gave was negative and discouraging my troubled friend to have any kind of expectations. I would totally shut down and disconnect.

It was like that for me and Andrew. I didn't tell him that I loved him. I made a fuss out of it and I know the "problem" that we were having. I made it to be such a big deal and I was impatient in explaining it to him and I hastily told him off out of my quick temper. Bloody damn chemical reaction I tell you. I totally shut the door closed behind and never at any time let myself dwell into sadness. I always thought that I was right. I always thought that the others had to be patient with me. I refused to put any much thoughts into being vulnerable and I definitely did not put myself into his shoe to even try to think of what he had to go through and what he thought at that time. Come to think of it, I was very selfish.

I think I always thought that one try is good enough. May it be to let them know that you care or that you have feelings for them but like all humans do, if rejection occurs, I would bask in shame and humiliation and slammed the door shut and try not to look back and regret. I don't know. Maybe to make myself feel better. I suppose "Once bitten, twice shy" applies here.

I mean, why having a relationship and expressing how one's feel is so hard? And how much is the chance of it being reciprocated? So what if you put yourself out there, does that mean that there is someone who will put a net and catch it with all their might? Does it mean that you won't get hurt after that? And that you will live happily ever after?

However, I know that this is killing me but it is also preventing to feel good about myself, about people and about life itself. It's preventing me to love myself patiently and for others to love me. I think I need to let loose and just let things sway my way, take me away and ride away to happily ever afters?

Will I be blessed enough to have my second chance? I don't want to wind up like Cruella.

[daily disco dose]
Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone With You

想去看海.

Those mandarin words mean I wanna go to the beach. I don't know why but lately I have been having cravings for food and going to the beach. Looking through my photos archive made me realize that I haven't been to the beach in a LONG time. However, with our obnoxious weather recently, it is best to stay away from the beach actually. A mini twister/typhoon was spotted at Gurney Drive and thank god no one was hurt as it happened in the middle of the ocean. So to go or not to go?

I think I'll just stick with ogling at pictures of the beautiful beaches around the world on my trusty laptop. =)

[daily disco dose]
Armin Van Buuren ft. Sophie Ellis Bextor - Not Giving Up On Love