When The Shit Hits The Fan.

I get so caught up with work and making sure things go smoothly for my patients.. But when time passed and the commotion has subsided.. my heart felt a pinch of bitterness. My eyes are welled up and my throat couldn't mutter any words.. Deep down inside I know I feel lonely. I crave for attention. I crave for partnership.

But how do I keep myself from being negative?

I'd really like to believe that my chance will come.. That one day I will be happy again. I wish to be happy and whole again. I really do.

Dear god, please grant me that opportunity soon. I'd like to see a glimmer of hope flash before my eyes. I need to know and be sure that my life do not go wasted slaving away for nothing.

I need to know.. I need to feel again.

[daily disco dose]
Sheryl Crow - Always On Your Side

Love and Anger.

I'm angry.
Angry because you won't let me speak my mind.
Angry because you won't listen to me.
Angry because I am deeply wounded.
Angry because I am hurting.. for years now.

It seems like things are falling apart and nobody cares. Really.. nobody cares at all. Can't you see that things are haywired? Don't you want to change it to the better?

I have all this pend up hurt inside that turns into anger. I just want to make things better for everybody. I'm the youngest but I am carrying the most weight. What happened to the elders?

It hurts. It hurts so much that sometimes I just want to give up.. pack up and go. But then my conscious mind tells me that it's not my values. Struggle beckons. I am trapped within myself.. with my own thoughts I fight my own enemy.

My newly recharged self is wounded and has been scratched silly. I wanna stay positive and happy for myself. I need to be to keep myself sane. It's ridiculous to know that just 2 days before this that I spoke to the therapist and now I am back to square one.

Love left me.

[daily disco dose]
Beyoncé - I Was Here

Photolog : Piercings

Hi piercings, I have missed you. 

I miss the rebellious days of being an outcast and a standout among the rest. 

The thorn among the roses. 

The dontcarefuckyoubyebye attitude. 

The bravery and courage that I had in my to make the first move and to be firm with my decisions.

Ahhhh.. 

Job!

I see the light now! 

Moving towards the light and hopefully I'm moving towards the right direction.
Wish me luck.

It is quite surprising that I went for an interview earlier and they've just called me back and guess what?

I've got the job! On the same day! =D

I can't describe how elated and some sort relieved I am feeling.

Heh, this may sound unorthodox but I can't wait to get back to work!

This calls for a celebration!

[daily disco dose]
Natasha Beddingfield - Pocketful Of Sunshine

Growing Up.

Sometimes I think that growing up sucks.

You sort of loose yourself here and there as you grow..

and one day you look back and wonder what happened to you.

Where did the burning passion that you used to have go?

[daily disco dose]

Friendly Fires - Running Away

Photolog : Haircut

Really needs a hair cut!

The hot weather didn't help either.

So to my hairdresser I go and chop chop chop!

Photolog : Last Pedicure

The last pedicure that I had..

It was in April last year.
It has been too long.. Too long since I last pampered myself.

Photolog : Birthday

I've been waiting to feel loved and special... 

Even more so during my birthday.

But years I've been giving myself false expectation. :(

Work Values.

I realized that these are my core work values after talking to the Founder and CEO.

• Equality.
• Respect.
• Connection.
• Appreciation. 

What happened recently or what didn't happened recently has made me feeling kind of down and out. What I need now..

• Courage. 
• Strength. 
• Determination. 
• Hope and lots of luck.

[daily disco dose]
Lupe Fiasco - The Show Goes On

Resolutions.

Okay, so this is it. My attempt at making somewhat of a resolution to start the new year with. I'm not a big fan of resolutions to start with simply because I think they just get your hopes and expectations to nowhere and fall flat on your face if they are not achieved.

Besides, I think the life experiences that I went through the last few years made me a (little) pessimist to even hope and dream of something that we may not achieved at the end of the year. I have turned out to be the type of person who just takes in whatever comes my way and if it is something that is unexpected then I know I would truly be happy deep down inside. But if I had a set of expectations and they are not being met, I know for sure that I would be fairly disappointed.

Some people would that I am not much of a dreamer and have no imagination. Some people might say that success comes from dreaming and dreaming it big. But I don't know.. as you aged you tend to think too much or dream too much of something and not to mention that you want it so badly that you can come off as "desperate" and who would want that right?

Besides, as you grow older you know that time no longer is by your side and it is always ticking, no matter what. It will not slow down because you fell sick or not mentally prepared for it. By the time you realize that the people around you are already getting married and some already have their own offspring.. it is a little unnerving. You no longer have time to play trial and error. You no longer have the courage or the vibrant energy in you to thrive on. Perhaps it was because of past experiences or the peer pressure that made you feel shy and uncomfortable to even begin with.

Anyhoo, just to keep the tradition going.... Below are my resolutions or my hopes rather.

• To get a job that I am happy working for. Which means great job prospects, good pay, nice boss(PLEASE! it's about time) and colleagues, hopefully no crazy working hours like my previous one.
• Save! Save! Save! so that I can do the below...
• Buy a voice recorder, Canon SLR and an iPod.
• Revisit Singapore to relive and replay my love for Singapore.
• To travel to Bangkok and shop like a mad woman.
• To embrace more music both locally and internationally. Attend big ass concerts and experience LIVE performance from international bands/DJs.
• To travel to Melbourne and to embrace their culture and pace of life.
• To buy a Balenciaga motorcycle bag. Maybe not this year but next year perhaps?
• To embrace our local culture and immerse myself in art scene and our heritage sites.
• To love more. Please God, bless me with a wonderful man in my life as I have tons of love to share.
• To be more patient and forgive those that stood in my way. To be more care-free. 
• To believe that I am worthy of something good, to believe in the good of people and their kindness.
• To write more.
• And cook more. 

So there you have it. My current hopes in point form. We'll see how this works out in another 359 days yeah?

[daily disco dose]
Lykke Li - Tonight (live)

Thoughts In A Bottle.

I think battling depression is a lifelong combat for me.

Suicide Prelude.

I didn’t care if I look like a mad woman throwing tantrums with my trembling hands. I just wanted to feel free. I just wanted her annoying voice to stop. I took a quick look at myself in the mirror and my face was pale, staring red eyes with tears flowing, I’m starting to sweat, there’s something in my nose and I didn’t care.

Did u want me to go mad?

I just wanted to die. If I’m not wanted anywhere or by anybody, I just want to die. I laid face down on my bed and scream and scream and screamed till I ran out of breath. I wanted to die.

Now staring at the computer screen now, I know my mouth is open grasping for air. I know my eyes are staring at the screen and I kept constantly trying to calm myself down and try not to hit the keyboard too hard.

After the mad and crazy tantrum, I looked around me and I saw my broken laundry stand, my bedsheet was torn, clothes are everywhere, the mattress is slanted, the air con controller is broken, music is blasting to keep me away from her annoying voice. My nose is bleeding. My fav sunglass is broken and there's a small piece of glass planted on my right foot. My nose is bleeding and I don’t care. My hair is a mess and I don’t care. The music is blasting and I didn’t care. I’m crying my heart out and I don’t care. My tears are flowing and I don’t care to wipe them off. I’m sweating and the fan is on full blast and I don’t care.

Go ahead and say that I will not have anybody wanting me. It’s worse enough that once I have this argument with you I will not have anybody to confide in. Thanks for letting me know that I’m worthless, unwanted and no one will ever want me. I ripped my entire wall of photos off, almost ripped my curtains off and I have a throbbing headache that won’t go away.

I just wanted to die. I just wanted to move out. I just wanted to die if I’m not worthy. I just wanted to die really badly. At one point, looking at the broken pieces of glass, I wanted to pick it up and slash my wrist. As I grab everything and anything to throw as a form of release, I just somehow threw myself against the wall and I want to knock my head against the wall. I just wanted to hurt myself and I just felt like I wanted to die. I didn’t care if I was hurting my body or my heart at all.

I just wanted to evaporate from this face of the earth. I just wanted to die. I know I sound like and acts like a mad woman and I don’t care, I just wanted to die. I didn’t care if the piece of glass is sticking on to my right foot. I didn’t care. I just wanted to die.

I just wanted silence. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted to feel happy. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted her to walk away.. I just wanted peace of mind.

If the others are better, then go. I don’t need you to stomp all over me and tell me that I’m no better. I dreamt of this happening just two days ago and its happening now and in my dream I knew I had a difficult time but feeling it now only makes me experience it for real and I feel that this is truly a mental and physical torture. Tears don’t stop rolling and my throat hurts from the shouting and screaming. My nose kept blocking and my eyes are bloodshot red.

I may have snapped one of my veins and go mad. If I go mad and insanity keep me quiet, would you want that?

[daily disco dose]

Adele - Tired

[edited]

After a day of recuperation, I can feel that my whole body is aching and I have to be careful in inhaling air into my lungs. My body is aching, especially my shoulders and my back. I have swollen eyes that I need an eyelid tape to define my double eyelids. The headache is starting to subside. I’m nursing the wound on my right foot as it was starting to swell up a bit. Got a few bruises on my legs and my right elbow feels funny. All these physical and mental pain is nothing but funny, I can safely say that I hate this mental lapse. Please do not let me go through this again. I’m not sure my heart can take it. And I may need anger management or a therapist. I’m really scared that I’ll become insane.

I am drinking more water to replenish myself, resting a lot and try not to think about anything too much. I think I beat myself up really bad this time and I should take it easy. I'd like to keep my sanity.

  

Heart of Steel.

I think I have a heart of steel. I'm strong and tough and I do not let others hurt me physically or emotionally. Or even before they try to hurt me. Or perhaps even before they even think about hurting me. I'm just like that. I always look out for myself. Amidst all these comforting to my friend who had just recently wounded from her relationship of erm, two years (?), I made it really difficult to love me for who I am. Only today that I realized that.

I always made it my way or the highway. I'm stubborn as a cow and reluctant as a camel. No one can determine when I want to move or whether I want to move at all.

I realized that my best friend who is currently in a relationship is more patient, more lovable and easy to love compared to me. She had hopes and dreams. The advices that she gave was positive and always has a back lane for you to run to, just in case. But as for me, the advices that I gave was negative and discouraging my troubled friend to have any kind of expectations. I would totally shut down and disconnect.

It was like that for me and Andrew. I didn't tell him that I loved him. I made a fuss out of it and I know the "problem" that we were having. I made it to be such a big deal and I was impatient in explaining it to him and I hastily told him off out of my quick temper. Bloody damn chemical reaction I tell you. I totally shut the door closed behind and never at any time let myself dwell into sadness. I always thought that I was right. I always thought that the others had to be patient with me. I refused to put any much thoughts into being vulnerable and I definitely did not put myself into his shoe to even try to think of what he had to go through and what he thought at that time. Come to think of it, I was very selfish.

I think I always thought that one try is good enough. May it be to let them know that you care or that you have feelings for them but like all humans do, if rejection occurs, I would bask in shame and humiliation and slammed the door shut and try not to look back and regret. I don't know. Maybe to make myself feel better. I suppose "Once bitten, twice shy" applies here.

I mean, why having a relationship and expressing how one's feel is so hard? And how much is the chance of it being reciprocated? So what if you put yourself out there, does that mean that there is someone who will put a net and catch it with all their might? Does it mean that you won't get hurt after that? And that you will live happily ever after?

However, I know that this is killing me but it is also preventing to feel good about myself, about people and about life itself. It's preventing me to love myself patiently and for others to love me. I think I need to let loose and just let things sway my way, take me away and ride away to happily ever afters?

Will I be blessed enough to have my second chance? I don't want to wind up like Cruella.

[daily disco dose]
Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone With You

My Renegade.

I don't want to be dubbed as the infilial daughter so don't make me and just give me credits for all that I've done. I'm not the type of person that can just go away without any credits. How can a movie ends without rolling the credits?

I feel suffocated. On a bad day, I could be suffering from quarter life crisis but I'm not a 5 year old that needs constant instructions and let you step all over  me whenever you want to. I have my own opinions, my own set of behaviours and my own voice to be heard. But you do not take me seriously. What have I not done to deserve trust? And please, put the nagging aside and give it a rest.

I'm not like other kids. My father died when I was young and I saw people that are closest to us back-stabbed, cut, chopped, sliced and betrayed us and as a defense mechanism, I am always on the lookout for myself. Having said that, I'm still young and I'm entitled for some venerability because I want to experience things, to be adventurous, get to know people and surely I will always have to look out for myself. I can't be a "coward" at all times! If it's calculated risks and I can have an emergency exit for myself, I would take the risks!

... And with all that I've put my thoughts into and the sacrifices that I've made, this is not what I've asked for. For no reason at all, I'm being put in a spot and let my heart being choked, suffocated, sliced and let it bleed itself dry. Does your parents still pat you on the back and tells you that you've done a good job? Or you just keep your mouth shut and silently agree that I did.

At times like these, I wish I can just fly away or move out and get my own place. "Don't be sorry when I'm not around!" I just wanted to do good and be good. So let me. Why are you pushing me to be like my other siblings. To be what I've seen and concluded that I don't want to be like them. Why are you pushing me to be just like them? If you think that they are better than I am, then I'll just let you be with them and be at peace with myself. I'm dazed and confused. I'd rather be living under my own roof, making my own rules.

I'm still wondering why I am living this life. Is this what I want in life or is this how you want me to live my life? What I'm feeling now is just like when I was 16 years old. I do not like this feeling and why do I feel this way again? Is this a case of dejavu? If I am such a sore to be around with, then I back off. I will go away.

You did not answer my prayers.

I wish you were here, daddy. I wish you were here.

[daily disco dose]
Christopher Cross - Sailing

Happy.

Since it is raining cats and dogs here and it seems like there is a fat chance of seeing the sunshine for today, I thought what better way to remind myself to be happy and contented. Not because of myself but because of the existence of others. In this case, furry animals! I'm not sure if it's just me or they just have the super power to make people love them. Below furry animals reminds me of how much I'm in love with them! and they just have the ability to make you smile and feel comforted in the tiniest way.

I'll say let it rain cats and dogs! Haha. I suppose they say it that way is because "rain" itself is sad but "cats and dogs" is to remind you how lovable they are!

 Manja cat. Xiao lu.

Man's best friends - Tu tut, Man, Jack and Jojo.

Random Books.

Look what I've found! 

These are just some of the many books I found during my rampage at my old house. After going through my piles and stacks of books, files, papers and what seems like an endless years of mess, only I've realized that I have a lot of the following...

• story books
• cook books
• magazines (loads of them!)
• stationaries 
• coloured papers
• stickers
• wrapping papers
• empty greetings/festive cards
• greetings/festive cards given by friends

I think I am a bookworm or perhaps a lil nerd at heart. I like to do arts and craft as well. I remember that I used to send cards or decorate cards and send them out to my friends when I have the time to. I know I'm not gifted at drawings but I'm good with my words and writings. So I would write and write to decorate whatever I have my hands on. I used to cut out newspapers or magazine pages and keep them in a folder or compile and glued them on a sketchbook. I used to cut and paste to form a collage of words and pictures to be the cover page for my diary. 

My god, I used to be artsy fartsy man! 

[daily disco dose]

John Mayer - Who Says

My Fate With A Stick.

Just two days ago I was bored out of my wits and started to feel like the whole damn world owes me. So I decided to get out of the house. The moment I stepped out of the house, anything and everything got into my way. A car suddenly cuts into my lane without signaling. A motorbike was riding slowly in the middle of the road. I get red lights all the way through my journey. Things like that.

Right after lunch as I was going to bank-in some cheques, I've decided to stop by the Goddess of Mercy (Kuan Yin) temple for some much needed prayer for strength, focus and inner peace. I proceeded to burn the joss sticks, light the candle sticks and say my prayers. Just before I do the last rite of burning the bundle of joss paper, I've decided to give the 100 sticks of fate a try. It is quite a common sight at this temple that you hear the wooden sticks knocking against the brass holder and for me this is the third time that I've tried this, out of which one was denied. You can imagine how pathetic I was. 

Before you get to ask Goddess of Mercy (Kuan Yin) for any answers to your calamities or troubles, you need to ask permission first using the Buddha's lips. I proceeded to tell Goddess of Mercy my problems and I was probably a quarter through my story and I've already gotten myself an answer in the form of a stick. Again, you need to get confirmation by throwing the Buddha's lips on the floor. Once confirmed, I showed the stick to the uncle behind the wooden counter and he gave me a piece of paper with Chinese characters that has ancient meanings and supposedly my answer to my question. 

So, you'd be wondering the answer and the answer to my trouble is, I need to make do with what I have now and stick with it. Things will be better after this Chinese new year and good opportunities will come my way then. But it did not answer my question of "which", which is quite disappointing and I have absolutely no idea on how things will turn around for the better.

Well I guess whether I got my complete answer or not, I know one thing's for sure. The trip to the temple made me calmer, like it always does. I think inner peace and balance are what I need. Just like Master Shifu in the movie - Kung Fu Panda. 

[daily disco dose]

Jamiroquai - White Knuckle Ride

Pauper.

Assessing my own situation right now, it made me realize what a sore loser I am. I don't literally mean that I am an all round loser but I'm just disappointed at myself for making poor judgments when it comes to career and money matters. I should have been wiser and knew what was coming. 

I am now a qiong kuang dan. I am jobless and I guess now you know why I am so keen on blogging again with all the time that I have in my hands. I am in a total state of wretched misfortune. So what's new?

Back then, my old blog was all about acceptance. Acceptance by your parents, acceptance by your peers and acceptance to your desired university/college. Late night chit chat, hanging out at the mall, watching movies and partying with your friends. Then, there came the rebellion days. Disdain towards certain people. Rebelliousness towards your parents who are always in control of your life, rebel to let your voice to be heard, peer pressure that makes you rebel from the norm or rebel from the weird to be normal. Either way. 

Now, as I grow older and with a few years of working experience under my belt, I set out to the world of uncertainties. After years of experience in the banking line, I thought I wanted to do something different. Don't think an employer would want to hire someone at the age of 30 who is still trying new industry right? It's now or never, I keep telling myself. Therefore, I threw myself out there, into the wild and roamed the wilderness. 

I finally got myself a job. A new industry, open minded boss(es) and quite a good job prospect. I didn't really have to sell myself to get the job during the interview and after just 2 days I had to report to work. At first, it all seemed well, until the contract issue came up. I read the contract and was reluctant as hell to sign it. This sparked discussions between my boss and I. But on my part, I reflected on myself, my career, the job itself and my future. One thing led to another and my employment with the said company had to end overnight due to my unconfirmed employment status. The next day I'm jobless.

I'm not sure whether I did the right thing or not but I know I wanted the whole prospect and the whole package to work for me. I wanted a good job, a good pay, a good boss and a good career path. I wanted the uncertainties to work for me so bad that I felt like I was at the bottom of the pile and dark clouds gathered above my head and rained.

I guess I am back to ground zero. Just like a few years back before I got my first job. I hate myself for not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, not knowing what to choose for a career and for not being able to judge something without failing terribly. Luck is definitely not on my side.

Confidence. Where are you when I needed you most?

[daily disco dose]

Oasis - Stand By Me