RIP Derek K. Miller

Listening to Joanna Wong's Times Of Your Life while reading Derek Miller's last few posts..

Critic Me This!

Hi Brendan,

It's me again. I'm sorry I just had to write you this letter. I can't get you off my head ever since I wrote you that letter. During my last scrummage through my old junk, I somehow found two emails you wrote to me which I had printed out. It was dated as way back as 2003 - when I first met you.

The above title was how I got to know you. I remember I was feeling out of place and desolated just like how I'm feeling now and that two emails cheered me up. I may have forgotten to mention but they did. But right now I don't have the opportunity to receive emails from you to comfort me. Those emails were really powerful and it really showed that you cared for me. I was kicking myself silly for giving up my old email account and I lost all the emails that you had wrote to me when you were alive.

I think I may have to check into the clinic for mild depression and my god the weather predicts so well that it is raining now. Somehow iTunes was playing this song from Rachael Yamagata. A perfect song to describe how I feel towards you. You've been on my mind for days now and I kept thinking about our past, the possibilities and questions that needed answers.

Frankly, I was trying really hard to remember you. I'm really afraid that I might forget you. I'm really scared.

I hopped on over to your blog to browse around but it was scary. The front page was slapped with pictures of you needing a surgery and your bad conditions. That made my heart sank and I was overcame with emotions. I'm angry at myself for not sending you any emails to reconcile. I wanted to at one point but I was scared shitless. I'm such a coward.

What I said in that email was true and it applies now as well. I needed to talk to someone. I needed to chin up and stop being so confused. I needed someone to come along my way and guide me. I'm so helpless and I need to feel happy again. I really don't want to drink myself silly and drown myself in tears and sorrows.

Brendan, how's heaven like? Do they have a phone or an internet connection that you can use? I need to talk to you, if not I'm coming over now.

Yours truly,
Beatnik

[daily disco dose]
Rachael Yamagata - Meet Me By The Water

Would you please meet me by the water, baby
We'll have a really good time
Would you please meet me by the water, baby
'Cause I can't get you off of my mind

I've been thinking everyday about you
Don't fit anywhere into my life, but that's okay
'Cause I think I might be right for you
And because of that, I'm not scared at all
And everyone says I'm crazy
And everyone says I'm a fool
Would you meet me by the water tonight
'Cause I'm ready to break all the rules

Please don't leave me standing
With my heart in my hand
I can't last here
I'm breaking down,
And no on understands why I got here
But I knew from the very first moment
That I met you
You'd be the one

Would you meet me by the water tonight
Would you please fall asleep
Holding my hand
'Cause I've got everything in store for you, baby
If you'll be my man 

Brendan.

Hi Brendan,

Today is the first day of November. It's your birthday and it has been raining since yesterday. The Chinese believes that the rain resembles tears and raining is a sign of the departed crying . I hope you are not crying now but we do miss you down here. I'm sure your family and friends are thinking of you at this moment, just like I do.

How's heaven treating you up there? Did you get to meet God and ask the many questions that you have for God? I'm sure you finally have the chance to meet the legendary John Lennon and Jeff Buckley. You're probably jamming and singing with them as we speak. I miss your voice and the way you speak has always been very comforting to me. Unfortunately the last I heard your voice was many years back. I still remember your English accent and sometimes I find it funnily pretentious in a good way.

You probably didn't know this but you were my lingering teenage crush and the first one who hated hickeys! You would send me signals of love and lust. I would just follow you in the dark and submit myself to your world of false pretense. I felt like I was wholesomely one with you and I felt like I was wanted and needed. I needed the thrill of being in love and being a desirable sex object worthy of pleasure. I would drive half an island just to see you even if I knew that you were going to manipulate me. During that period of false pretense, I surrender myself to you for you to take over my mind and body.

The truth is, I didn't really get my closure and I think I just forced myself to get over you and forgave you for what you did. And then I forced myself to move on as well. Until this day, now that you're gone, I really question myself and your actions. But I guess I won't be able to have any answers because you are gone now. Forever.

But that's okay, I will remember you during your glorious days of being an indie and emo person. That tall handsome guy with charms to thrill and dress to kill. Smart, witty and  I'll miss you Brendan. I hope you do too. I'll light up a candle and sing Farewell and Goodnight by The Smashing Pumpkins to you. Hugs and kisses! <3

Yours truly,
Beatnik

[daily disco dose]
The Smashing Pumpkins - Farewell and Goodnight

New Beginnings.

Well, this is it.

I'm starting anew after a few years of hiatus and I'm finally back in the blog-sphere where it used to be very fun to read and write, uncluttered, unpolitical and elite. I just had to add in "elite" simply because I am a snob. So sue me. A snob that feels that blogs nowadays are no fun to read at all. The consistent boring pattern of bloggers posing with a piece of cupcake, posing with a celebrity, self capture portrait of excessive posing, and writings of nothings. Don't get me wrong, I do the occasional posing-posing gesture but I do not plaster the entire blog or facebook with edited or touched up pictures. I call it blinged up pictures by the way. Blogs nowadays are like a parade of Hollywood train wrecks.

Not to mention that blogs genuinely provide me an outlet to get my thoughts out of my chest, a lot of blogs nowadays serve as a medium for political outcry that sparks controversy that hit out local news networks like a swarm of bees. It's a great expansion for the digital media and online community to get first hand information but I think that why can't they just keep blogs simple and unpretentious?

Oh by the way, those "bloggers" call themselves bloggers because of .. what? They went to the hippest place in town, partied with other feme bloggers, mingled with other "bloggers", put on make up, smoke cigarettes, drank alcohol and updated on their blogs that they did all that? Come on. Is there any content at all in your blog entries? Let me introduce you to empty shells, that's what it's called.

All in all, I just wanna say: "Hello! I am back... with a bang!" I hope.

This time with a different approach. I now see myself looking at the people surrounding me and the environment in a more mature way. I hope you don't have to put up with my occasional depression outbursts more than brushing your teeth every night before going to bed. But if you do, I guess you're better off brushing your teeth than reading my blog entries. Honestly :) At least you get clean, brighter teeth.

[daily disco dose]
Bruno Mars - Somewhere In Brooklyn